Smoke Breaks for Non-Smokers

I recently saw some co-workers outside indulging in a cigarette or two. Nothing strange about it, but I’ve always wondered if there are other reasons sufficient enough to warrant a 5-15 minute break from work.

Certainly, smoking is the most accepted short-break excuse. But what about people that don’t smoke? Another legal, addictive substance that is probably just as popular as cigarettes, is coffee. Ever since the outbreak of Starbucks on every corner, coffee drinkers have a reason to take a break, leave, and get a latte or cappuccino. But what about people that don’t smoke cigarettes or drink coffee? Rare, I’m sure…but I’m one of them, so there must be others like me.

What about people who like to drink beer? Booze is another legal addiction, but most organizations consider alcohol to have a detrimental effect on productivity and efficiency. Under normal circumstances, I’d probably have to agree. Unlike coffee, vodka, beer, scotch, and other spirits are depressants. But what about other addictions? Or even things that don’t fall under the category of addictions?

What about masturbating? It has numerous properties similar to smoking and coffee. Here’s a few:

• Plenty of people are addicted to it.
• It can calm a person down after an argument with the boss, or before a big presentation for a client or investors.
• It can give you that extra boost to finish your day or, if you’re working late it can give you the needed energy to work into the wee hours of the night.
• It’s non-obtrusive, assuming you please yourself in a private manner. After all, you can’t do it at your desk or in public because that would be considered public indecency.
• It shouldn’t take more than 5-15 minutes.

I’m sure there are others, but you get the idea. So, next time you need to take a little break tell your boss, “Hey Pat, I’m going to go take a quick “smoke” break. I’ll be back in about 5-10 minutes.” And then head to the bathroom, or somewhere private, and proceed to beat your meat or give the fuzzy bunny a carrot.

Non-smokers should be prepared to field questions as to when they started smoking…Smokers, be prepared to fend off other smokers who think you’re actually going to smoke a cigarette!

~ by JF on September 9, 2006.